It may help us think about this more clearly if I describe how I thought through the original post. We both received the bad advice in seminary and in the ministry that church leaders should not try to get close to members of the congregation (as if we’re not members). Though the advice is clearly not sound, in my case, it came from people that I hold in high regard. This made me ask, “Why would someone believe such a thing?” It seemed to me (and this is where you and I may have gone down different paths) that the reason was not a fear of being hurt or betrayed because I know some of these men to be both humble and sincere in their desire to serve our Lord. So I thought perhaps there are times when not getting close is the better course if it’s done not for self centered reasons but for the sake of those being served. Love normally requires great openness and transparency, but perhaps there are times when love requires distance. It would be these cases that would seduce one into believing the bad advice. Sort of like a father who gets so accustomed to being a father that he finds it difficult to be a brother when his son becomes an adult.

I was pretty sure I was on to something until you asked for examples. When I struggled to come up with simple examples I realized that I wasn’t hitting the mark on this one.

As far as the kind of software I do, I work for a fairly small company that writes a product to manage groups of computers. Our customers are, for the most part, MSPs (how’s that for a little bit of alphabet soup?)

I think that we might be talking about a different category, however. I’ll give it some more thought, but I think there’s a difference between being open in the sense of sharing everything that’s on our mind, flaunting freedoms, etc., and being “real” with people.

I think it’s the latter that most of us have had in mind in this conversation. The idea of not ever showing weakness, or not ever letting people see that you can identify with them.

But your thoughts are definitely valid on this. Thanks for the continued input.

So what kind of software engineering do you do? You can email me privately, if you’d rather do that, than talk about it here. My email link is in the sidebar under “My Other Sites”

Perhaps the clearest example would be a weaker brother situation where being open about my liberties may cause stumbling. A related example might be a case where, because of the weakness or immaturity of a brother or sister, my being open would actually not serve transparency and intimacy because it would be misunderstood. Perhaps a brother needs some financial aid. He comes to me for help, because he believes I’m wealthy (assuming I’m not). I may choose to hide my own financial struggles so that he might more freely accept from me a gift. If I judge that my revealing myself will harm the person I’m trying to serve, I may chose to be more hidden. The point is not so much that I should not be open in such cases, but only that my openness should take into consideration the needs of others and not simply my own needs. Sometimes, God calls us to lonely places.

So an important question is does my being more open to a member of the congregation serve that member? Sometimes it doesn’t.

Would you mind giving an example? (It can be fictional) I’m not sure I’m quite following.

I try just to be a regular person. I don’t try to “manage” things like that. I can’t see Jesus worrying about how close he is getting to Peter or Matthew.

Rod

We have some things in common. Right now I’m a part time pastor and full time software engineer (that’s why I’ll need to disappear from conversations on this blog on weekends). I was taught the same stuff about getting close to those in your congregation when I was in seminary. Fortunately (note the other word sometimes fits, Heather) that wasn’t the only voice. I was asked to leave a church several years ago, in part because my way of leading did not match the expectations of many in the congregation. There is a sort of two way street here in that some of the expectations that are held for pastors would require a distant relationship. If a pastor is thought to be a pastor because he’s so much better at being a Christian than the rest of us (a model of success, if you will) then he’ll need to get very good at hiding himself if he wants to meet those expectations.

It may be, however, that the question of whether or not to be open is not the best question. A pastor is called to be a servant. So an important question is does my being more open to a member of the congregation serve that member? Sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve learned this the hard way. Jesus, in his ministry, points to a balance that I’ve never been able to attain.

I agree with you about the failure of leaders possibly being enabled by this lack of good strong relationships between leaders and the rest of the body.

In recent months, I have been thinking about how Peter said to “shepherd the flock among you”. In fact, just recently, I was in a brief discussion (in the comments of this post)with my good friend Tony Sisk about the idea of preaching “from the floor” so as to remind ourselves and the listener that when it all comes down to it, the speaker is “one of them”.

My heart breaks for pastors who feel like they can’t have good relationships — open, vulnerable, transparent relationships — with people in their church. Fear of getting hurt, possibly even fear of losing their job if something is found out…I’m not sure what always drives it. But it can’t be healthy!

Christy’s article is quite good, I see why you’re so proud of her!

Have a blessed Ressurrection Day!
In Him,
-marty

Brandon, yes, I agree that the risks are worth it. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

Philip, thanks for your comment. I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I started working my way through the comments backwards and got pulled away before responding to yours.

Thanks, as well, for your testimony of how going against the advice given to your wife resulted in a positive relationship!